If you had told me, only a few years ago, that scenarios such as the one described above would become an all too familiar story, I would have been incredulous. For one thing, I am so technology-impaired that I have never once entered a chat-room of any kind. For another, I have been pounding a keyboard all my life and cannot imagine anything remotely stimulating about sitting at a computer typing out love notes to some faceless fantasy figure.

And yet, in my counseling practice, I have already encountered at least a dozen divorces that began with one partner’s illicit Internet interactions. Sometimes it is the husband who is engaged in these clandestine conversations, but just as often it is the wife.  Some chat room flirtations lead to an actual physical rendezvous, while others remain anonymous electronic liaisons. Sharing an intimate tête-à-tête over the Internet with a complete stranger may sound harmless enough in theory, but in practice such secret emotional entanglements can lead to what I call “virtual adultery.”

What is “virtual adultery”? The term (like the technology which facilitates it today) is new, but the problem is not. In fact, Jesus identified it 2000 years ago. In the Sermon on the Mount he says “I tell you the truth, anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Such emotional infidelity is not necessarily grounds for divorce, but it is always grounds for alarm, for two reasons. First, Jesus warned that untamed thoughts so often lead to unfortunate consequences! (See Matthew 5:21-26, 5:27-30, 12:34-36, etc.) On many occasions I have had clients tell me with regret “I didn’t think it would go that far. I never intended to be unfaithful.” Affairs most often begin with emotional bonds, not physical ones, as two acquaintances or coworkers allow their casual conversations to become increasing familiar, then flirtatious, and then intimate.

And second, virtual adultery betrays the trust and erodes the closeness necessary to maintain a healthy marriage. It is significant that in his warning Jesus uses the specific word moichea, or “adultery,” which is a sin against one’s marriage partner, rather than the more general word porneia, or “immorality” (see Hebrews 13:4). This suggests that, contrary to popular belief, secret fantasies fueled by pornography, phone sex, or cyber-romances are not merely solitary pursuits- they are sins that have the potential to destroy the marriage bond. The warning of Jesus teaches us that the moment a person begins to transfer to a third party the attention that properly belongs to his or her marriage partner, the point at which a person begins to entertain thoughts that should be focused on their husband or wife, the instant when that person begins to secretly invest emotionally in someone other than their own partner, is the point at which they begin to commit what might be termed “virtual adultery.”

With that in mind, I would make three suggestions. First, never think that you can play with fire without getting burned (see Proverbs 6:25-29). People under the influence of infatuation consistently underestimate the potential for, and devastating consequences of, adultery. That’s why Jesus followed his statement with one of the strongest warnings in the Bible (Matthew 5:29-30).

Second, the time to prevent infidelity is before you have become emotionally involved with an individual, so never enter into any conversations with a person of the opposite sex that you wouldn’t be willing for your mate to overhear. This is especially true if that person is confiding in you about their marital problems. Your well-intended “support” may unwittingly become an ill-advised emotional bond. If you truly want to help a troubled friend, refer him or her to a trained marital counselor.

Finally, work at developing healthy relationship skills with your marriage partner like communication, affirmation, and affection, understanding that closeness in marriage involves both physical and emotional dimensions. Strengthening the intimacy within your marriage can help to protect it from disastrous entanglements outside the marriage.