David eventually wrote a book, Beautiful Boy, to describe that harrowing experience. Nic, now in recovery after a tortuous journey through addiction, denial, and finally rehab,tells the same story from his perspective in a parallel book entitled Tweak.

I have not had the opportunity to read either book, so I am not necessarily recommending them. I was, however, struck by the comments of both father and son in an interview published in the March 17, 2008 issue of U.S. News & World Report. When David was asked, "You kept helping Nic get back in rehab. How were you able to do that?" the father answered,

"I had to learn that there are ways I would help and ways I wouldn't. Giving money to a using addict is like giving a gun to someone who is suicidal. I wouldn't bring him home and just let him rest and recover and then go back and use."

Nic elaborated: "I went to five different treatment centers. I know for a fact, 99.9 percent of the reason I am alive today is because my mom and my dad both consistently had this message for me: 'We're not going to get you help unless it's to get you into a treatment center.' That was the bottom line. They never went back on that. They were always there to offer me that opportunity to go into treatment and get better."

I was struck by the parallel to a guideline found in the New Testament. Although we are commanded to "Do good to all men" (Galatians 6:10) we are also explicitly warned not to offer help to people who are demonstrating irresponsibility in their own life by refusing to work (2 Thessalonians 3:6-10). Giving money to someone who is already using their own funds in a financially irresponsible or self-destructive way, either because of drugs, gambling, alcoholism, or simply a lack of self-discipline, doesn't "help" them - it makes matters worse.

In the Recovery movement, giving unqualified assistance to a user is called "enabling" because it makes it possible for addicts to avoid the natural consequences of their own foolish decisions and thus allows them to continue their self-destructive behavior. Paul Meason, the director of the South Arkansas Substance Abuse Center here in El Dorado, says "You have to understand that we can enable someone so much that we disable them. The enabling is almost as debilitating as the addiction."

In addition, sometimes the opposite is also true: it may help to "hurt" - i.e., to take whatever actions are necessary to intervene and interrupt the drug use of a family member, even if the person we seek to help accuses us of being "mean" or unloving. Actor Martin Sheen has appeared in more than 70 feature films (among them Apocalypse Now, Wall Street, and The American President) but is perhaps best known for his Emmy-nominated role as President Josiah Bartlet on The West Wing, a program that formerly ran on NBC.

Sheen found himself in the difficult position of having to confront his son, actor Charlie Sheen, about Charlie's drug addiction. In an interview in the July/August, 2008 issue of AARP - The Magazine, Martin was asked what it took to rescue his son.

His reply: "You're dealing with a life-and-death situation. And the critical part of the equation is: are you willing to risk your child's wrath? They are not going to like you. Don't even think about them loving you. They're going to call you the most vicious, obscene names. You have to be prepared for that."

Paul Meason echoes that comment, warning, "When a person is in addiction, they are not going to love you, so stop worrying about it. Not until they come to their senses will they even understand what true love is all about."

Martin Sheen was ultimately successful in getting his son into recovery, but only after turning Charlie in to the law. Martin explains: "This is a criminal matter. And so that was the wedge; that was the leverage I had. That is what I took to the court; that's what I took to the sheriff. It was the only way I got him."

Martin Sheen's experience illustrates, for parents, the upside-down logic of dealing with an addicted child. Solomon warned parents not to allow their emotions to get in the way of their judgment (Proverbs 19:18), and that is never more true than when parents are compelled to lovingly but firmly refuse to bail their grown, but irresponsible, children out of yet another self-induced crisis.

In such situations parents must learn to practice the toughest, most courageous form of love: a love that confronts and corrects - a love that refuses to give in to emotional blackmail - a love that is not too embarrassed to go to others and say, "Someone in my family has an addiction and I need your help." They must gain the strength necessary to refuse to give in to a paralyzing guilt over being an imperfect father or mother, and realize that until they stop accepting responsibility for their grown child, he or she is not likely to get better. These parents must develop the ability to separate their love for their child from their rejection of their child's addiction.

Above all, they must practice saying "I love you too much to give you any money or other support that will enable you to continue destroying your life." The parents of an addicted son or daughter must come to recognize that sometimes it hurts to "help" and helps to "hurt."

–Dan Williams
El Dorado, Arkansas

College Avenue